Howz about these Aussies Jokes/ slang?

Drovers











Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.





One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"





The other one replied, "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."





"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"





"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."











New Widow





Three guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."





Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."





Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Foster's.





Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"





"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.





"That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"





"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Foster's you are'."

















Aussie Slang











I'm hungry:





"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."


"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."


"So hungry I'd eat a **** sandwich, only I don't like bread."


"I could eat the **** out of a rag doll through a cane chair."


"So hungry I could eat the **** out of a low flying duck."





I'm thirsty:





"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."


"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."


"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."


"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."


"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."


"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."





I need to go for a pee:





"Gonna drain me dragon."


"My back teeth are floating."


"Need to syphon the python."


"Takin' the kids to the pool."


"I got to take a snakes hiss."


"Gotta go have a slash."


"Gonna go water a horse."


"I'm off to drain the main vein."


"Time to splatter the bladder."


"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."


"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."





I need to do a poo:





"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."


"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."


"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."


"Off to the bog to leave an offering."


"Time to snap off a grogan."


"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."


"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."


"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."


"I'm going to give birth to your twin."


"Need to choke a brown dog."


"I've freed Nelson Mandela."


"Going for a Rodney."


"Taking out the garbage."


"I gotta back one out."


"Release the Chocolate hostage"


"i gotta lay some cables for telstra"





Vomit:





"Calling for George."


"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."


"I left him a lawn pizza."


"Toss a tiger on the carpet."


"Gotta go Ralph"





Insults:





"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and **** on your shoulders."


"Not enough brains to giv! e 'imself a headache!"


"About as useful as **** on a bull."


"You must be the world's only living brain donor."


"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."


"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."


"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."


"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."


"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."


"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"


"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."


"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"


"As ugly as a hat full of arseholes."


"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's **** and make it walk backwards."


"Got a face like a bashed in **** can."


"Couldn't tell his *** from a hole in the ground."


"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's ****."


"Couldn't organise a f**k in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."


"About as useful as a one-legged man in an ****-kicking competition."


"I'll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!"


"A stubbie short of a six pack."


"Seen better heads in a piss trough."


"You're as handy as **** on a stick."


"Tighter than a fish's ****."


"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."


"Face like a smashed crab."


"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."


"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."


"F**ked in the head."


"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."


"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."


"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."


"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."


"He's got a face like a cat licking **** off a thistle."


"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."


"She's two pick handles wide."


"An **** like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."


"As ugly as a bag of spanners."


"You've got a head like a dropped pie."


"He thinks his **** don't stink, but his farts give him away."


"I wish his dad had settled for a ********."


"Fell out of the ugly ! tree, and hit every branch on the way down."


"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"


"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."


"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."


"As thick as two short planks!"


"you got a head like a busted watermelon"





Compliments:





"Ya bloods worth bottling!"


"He's True Blue."

Howz about these Aussies Jokes/ slang?
Lol, some hilarious ones, but you missed my favorite.





An English pilot is traveling over Australia when he hits an unexpected storm and his plane crashes. The next day he wakes up in a bush hospital feeling terrible. He fears he may not be going to survive so he asks the nearby doctor, "Did you bring me here to die?"


To which the doctor answers, "Nah mate, we brought you in yesterday."
Reply:nice! funny and nice to know.



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